If you are anything like me, you’ve probably heard more than once a sentence like:

„You are just so dramatic!“

„Why do you always have to be so loud?“

„It’s not your fault, but you are just too intense for me!“

„Why can’t you be happy with what everybody else has?“

„Maaaan, calm down! Relax! Don’t always make things so big!“

„Uh, somebody is quite enthusiastic, here?“

„You already said, „thank you.“ Just let it be okay now!“

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of my life. However, well – to be honest – many of these sentences haven’t even been said into my face, as we Swiss people are the champs in wrapping shit up in a nice, sweet package and drop it then kindly at the back door.
Only in the very close relationships, where people dared to speak their truth even in my presence, I still heard this palette of statements quite often.

So what did I do?
I started to hide my true self.
Well, I tried – because honestly – when strong emotions would dwell up, my emotional self just wouldn’t let itself tame into any form of non-expression.

Moreover, every time there was this moment when I caught the face of „the other/s“ and saw the grin, the eye-roll or the overwhelmed faces. This is when I felt like everything would crumble down in me. I stopped myself immediately, with an innate feeling of shame that took over.

I lowered my voice. Stopped asking. Hid in myself.

„Priska, how could you get there again?“. „You’re making a fool of yourself.“ „Don’t always overrule everyone.“ „Stop being so expressive!
Especially the „fool“ or the „not being taken seriously“ – this got to me over and over again.
Also because I saw this happen to my mother over and over again.

Even I did it to her quite some times, when she got lost in her stories or worried the heck out of something that was so irrelevant to me.

So I saw the big fat mirror staring back at me.
I have learned. Also, I grew from there.
I no longer want to change who I am.

However, I chose to change my reactions in these moments, when back then I immediately invited „shame“ in.
I changed, how I felt about myself and therefore also attracted different people who love me precisely for my expressiveness.

Like Bas, who is honestly the first man, who can handle all of me.

I tested it in all kinda ways {mostly unconsciously} – but there was not one situation when he couldn’t handle me anymore or called me overly-dramatic or „too much!“
This is the result of me becoming okay with my all. And therefore attracting a man who is okay with it too.

Life sends us so many beautiful teachers, where you can practice and grow with – and even after this long journey on this „too-much-ness-thing,“ there are still some echoes testing me.

Here is a recent story:

Bas was self-inviting us at one of his family member’s house.
As I’m living on a vegan diet and have learned over time what kind of overwhelm it can create in others to think of plant-based food, I immediately text-messaged that person in my best Dutch possible, that I could also bring my own food and also suggested easy stuff that I could create on the spot – when this person answered me to this long message only with a: „Everything will be fine, girly!“

And there I felt it again. This feeling of… „Oh… too much, Priska. Again. You’re not being taken seriously anymore!“
However, I handled it differently as I used to do it a few years ago.

Yes, I still had this innate feeling of „fuck… I did it again!“ – but then I also re-trained my brain to flip the switch and to see, that it’s okay that I wrote what I wrote and that it’s ALSO totally okay that this person reacted that way because this person is different than I am. It’s okay to want to help people out. To say „thank you“ often, when you mean it. To have big feelings and to express them. I realized that this too is part of who I am today. Integrated it. Part crazy wild, untamed and intense gypsy-heart, part considerative and grateful carer. This is how I like to treat myself and others.

This is what naturally happens when I don’t have to think about what others could or would believe.
So let me share some self-talk with you, in case that this helps you too on your journey:

„I say too much „thank you!“ to you?
Heck yes, I say it a lot – but I fucking feel and mean it. Therefore I express it.
And if this is „too much“ for you to still take me seriously, then this is not my problem, because obviously, YOU can’t give your loving actions the value that I give them.“
„I am too loud for you?
I understand this, and still, I will not tame my enthusiasm, when it comes over me. I am this well of emotions, and I am not going to stop them from flowing freely.“
„I am too dramatic for you?
Man, I’m an actress. Drama used to be my life! And at least I have some adventure over here!“
„I am too demanding of Life?
Yes, I am having big dreams. And I love having them. Because I know that Life has SO much more in store for all of us, more than we can even think of.
Therefore I’m going to savor as much as I can get!“

Also, all of this doesn’t say by any means, that being „silent,“ „introvert“ or „realistic“ is wrong.
It’s as utterly beautiful as being „much.“ Even women like me are partially silent, introvert and realistic. We’re never just „one thing.“ We are all multi-colored, beautiful beings with so many sides and parts, filled with miracles and surprises. And as long as I am blessed to walk this journey on this earth, I will keep inviting it all in.

All of it.
So screw „too“!
I’m perfectly okay as I am!
You are perfectly okay as you are!
And it’s also perfectly fine not to be everybody’s person.

Find your tribe and live your most authentic self in the way that makes YOU happiest.
{And invite others with this to do so too!}

Text by: Priska Baumann
Image by: Shutterstock